Yeah! I'm not the only one that thinks people don't have to live together to be in love. [see article] Granted, my mother and stepdad live across the street from each other and get along GREAT, so I've seen this arrangement in action. And honestly, the older I get and live alone, the more I like it. Do I think living separate is the ONLY way to go? Certainly not, but I'm very open to any ideas that help keep people together.
I recently heard that like 85% of couple divorce within 5 years of marriage because they get "bored."
BORED! Not abuse, addiction, money...but boredom. Hello? Are we so amused with gadgets and video crap that we can't be creative enough to keep a marriage un-boring within the first 5 years???? Granted, I've never been married so maybe I'm talking out of turn here. But this does lead me to believe that I should turn the tables on people when they say, "You're 30 and never been married? What's wrong with you?" I should reply, "Apparently with the divorce rate it is the married people who have something wrong with them."
Anyway, I digressed. I enjoyed the article. And certainly appreciate whenever people "break the norm" to maintain relationships and happiness...whether or not it is considered strange.
1 comment:
What is wrong with you?
I kid. That is what I do. :)
You make some really good points and, believe it or not, there are many more people out there who share your opinions than you might think. Speaking as someone who is divorced, I can say with 100% honesty that I was the one who had something wrong with ME for getting married. I did it for all the wrong reasons - societal/family pressures, the feelings of more financial stability and security that come with a dual-income household, etc. My marriage was a business arrangement and not a true marriage. Naturally, it was over before it really started and within 2 years we were separated and on our way to divorce. Luckily, it was amicable and she didn't try and take me to the cleaners!
The article was also really interesting and it hit on the key for all marriages and relationships in general - the concept of "living in the same emotional space". That is the key. That is it. Where you are physically has little to do with where you are emotionally. When people say "Oh, I have got to take some time to find myself", they don't mean figure out what zip code they are in. They mean they need to figure out what thoughts, feelings, and emotions they have and about what. They need to know what is important to them and why so that they can begin finding others that share those things. Tragically, most don't make it past the finding stage. Others only think they have found themselves and then find others who are not like them at all. The very lucky few, like the couple in the article (and, it sounds like your mom and stepdad), can find themselves and find someone else to live in that same emotional space. They are the lucky ones.
This is beginning to sound awfully tragic and hopeless and I don't mean it that way. Even if a person never finds someone with which to share their emotional space for life, they will almost certainly find people to share parts of it for smaller periods of time. Life is a journey, as they say, and everyone will find people with whom to share some things. The point is to “know thyself”, as Socrates may have said, and the rest will happen – probably in ways you wouldn’t have thought. “Why aren’t you married with 4 kids yet?” is not a valid question for anyone. And people who ask that, even if well intended, are missing the point and they are obviously not anywhere near a key domain of your personal emotional space.
Also, life partners that share 100% of everything in the emotional space probably don't exist, to tell the truth. So I think that the concept of such perfection should probably not be used as a measuring stick against which a person's particular relationship gets judged. It is a nice thought, but in reality, that level of perfection is unattainable. Perhaps the goals need to be less grandiose and more down to earth: Be as happy as you can be with what you can have. Not necessarily with what you have already. Don't settle, but also don't dismiss or diminish the good things that are present in favor of better things that are not really there and may not be attainable. There is a balance between fervent optimism and lame pessimism and between unrealistic expectations and being blind to the happiness that is already there. Know your limitations, but don't accept them if it is possible to expand them. Reach for the stars, but keep your feet on the ground. Clichés are around for a reason. :) I’ll refrain from using anymore right now though… I’m pretty sure you and your readers have heard enough of my preaching.
Until next time, hang in there. Be as happy as you can. Laugh as much as you can.
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